Fear

This isn't my work, but that of a long, lost friend named Geoffrey, a person who helped me in my initial stages of sobriety. He and I were in rehab together. I lost contact with him about 3 years into my sobriety, but his words, written in my AA book, have always been a reference.

Fear

I'm scared. I've been scared all of my memorable life ... Fear! Born out of rational and irrational thoughts. Like angry dogs, inside, clawing at my ego, my sanity, my soul ... Fear ... Sickening Fear ... uncertaintity. What will happen? Can I trust you? Will you lie to me? Leave me? Hit me, hurt me? Why should I trust you? Trust you? ... I'm scared to. ... Fear ... Terror. Am I nice enough, tough enough, brave enough ... NO ... I'm scared ... What will you say? Will you tell someone else? betray me? Questions ... unanswered questions... uncertaintity ... Fear! I'm scared of fear ... Full of fear ... Fearful. Will I be good enough? Am I what you expected? Did I disappoint you? Did I measure up? What is the standard? Where did I go wrong? I feel defeated already. I know you won't like me ... Fear ... Am I normal? Am I going crazy? Did I get the job? Did I say the right thing? Was I impressive? How was your dinner? Did you like it? Too much salt? Pepper? Not the way it should be? Not done right? Am I even in the right profession? Maybe I'm not even cut out for this! Doubt .. Full of Doubt ... Doubtful ... Dear .. Tell Me .. I'm scared. What will she think? How do I look? Teeth brushed? Smell good? Did I go too fast? Too slow? How were the kisses? The embraces? My touches? Will she like my approach? My execution? Will she cum? Will I cum too fast? Was I better than her last lover? Will she talk? Giggle to her friends? Oh, fuck! I think I'm going to die! Those dogs! Those fear dogs! ... Uncertaintity ... Insecurity .. I'm not secure! ... Will I get the money? Will I score teh drugs? Will I get ripped off? ... Questions ... Fear! ... The Police! They're coming! I know they're out there! ... Panic! ... Terror! ... will I get arrested? Go to jail? Jail! Oh, God, not jail. Will my prayers be answered? Is God listening? Is he there at all? If he is, will be listen to me? Fear! Real Fear! What will become of me? Die? Is there a heaven? Will I go there? Fear! ... Can I trust you? ... Fear!
Yes ... I can trust you, Aaron.